Hey everyone, it’s been a while. How are we all doing? Sorry for my abrupt break. I had externals, and it’s been a hectic two months. :’) A lot has happened in those two months, though. I’m done with the first half of my externals. I turned 16. I met new people, went to new places, and became more like myself…
Or so I thought
Existential Crisis
Ah yes, I think today’s topic encompasses what I will be talking about, right? In the span of the two months I was gone, I managed to find myself, find my crowd, and become more expressive and less timid. I finally had that image I’d been searching for, before it crumbled that is. And no, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I didn’t learn new things about myself and tried to become a better person, I did. However, at a point, it started to feel like I was trying to hold an image of multiple people. I was caught up in being so real that it felt so fake. I had to be the fun, studious, intelligent, kind sweet person, while shoving all my bad traits under the rug, And I would soon realize that there was no way I could eat my cake and have it.
Sooner rather than later, I began to feel like all eyes were on me. It was almost as if everyone could see my shortcomings even though they weren’t necessarily paying attention. All eyes were on me, even though no one was looking in my direction. It felt like everyone could see my every mistake and I was just being a liar, insincere, and a “clout chaser” (I can’t get the meme out of my head lol). It felt like I’d dug a pit and fallen in it and now I didn’t know how to get out. I was worried about all the wrong things for all the wrong reasons. I was going through one of the worst existential crises I’ve ever had. It was like it had just dawned on me that I was indeed an actual person, with actual feelings and an actual future and I was so lost on which turn to take next, so what did I do?
…I did absolutely nothing than keep on worrying for weeks on end.
Now that I look back, yes it was indeed kind of dumb of me to do that but I somehow felt that in doing so, all the problems I had in my head would be solved and I could finally figure out the answer.
Short answer, it did not lol.
But then I realized (plus a little knocking of my noggin from my mom) that I was focused on the wrong things. Everything I was worrying about was not important and I was just making a mountain out of a mole. Yes, I did have expectations of myself, but I did not have to fulfill them. The only thing I had to do now was get my priorities straight.
So, I did.
Sorta.
Still a work in progress :).
I tried my best to focus on what truly mattered at the moment and put aside other matters that didn’t. I finally emptied my closet full of skeletons and came face to face with all my insecurities and excesses. And I’m still far from perfect, honestly, I’ll never be. But at least now I understand that I don’t have to keep up with appearances to be perceived a certain way. All I have to do is to choose me every day rather than the idea anyone has of me <3
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:25-34 HCSB